Friend--The Past or The Present?

This blog subject has been with me for a few days. I know I need to do it. My "voice" doesn't/hasn't changed. So, here I go......

The lingering question that keeps repeating itself in my head is, "What kind of friend are you?" Wow!! The first time it came to me, I blurted quickly without any time to think about it....."A good one!! One I'd want." Now, with not doing this blog as soon as it came to me, (lesson learned--do the blog when it comes to me....I will have peace) I've had this question posed to me again and again with each struggle, trial, and hardship my friends have endured the last couple weeks. Again, "What kind of friend are you really Toni?" I feel true conviction when my "voice" ask questions that get "personal"....it calls for true soul-searching.

1. "You adulterous people (you've cheated on God), don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God?" Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." James 4:4

2. "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command." John 15:12-14
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This my command: Love each other." John 15:16-17

What kind of friend am I?


Looking back, I have to admit, I was mainly #1. I was a "good" friend when it was convenient for me. Or I was a "user" friend....what's in it for me?? I was a "fair-weather" friend....times got tough....I got going (and fast)! Sometimes, my friends just didn't live up to MY expectations. (unfair, unreasonable, or even unvoiced expectations)

Now, today, I thank Jesus for showing me what a true, faithful, unwavering friend is. He knows me intimately, and He still loves me and calls me friend!!!! AMAZING GRACE!!! I tell my friends I'm there for them. Am I really? Am I a "true-blue" friend? Am I a friend I'd want to have? I encourage them. I support them. I pray for them. I thank God for them. I love them as God loves me. (even when they try to kill me with exercise class or continually "bug" me about calling the doctor...........Just so you all know....I DID IT!!!-----possibly my next blog subject????????)

I love you my friends..............thank you for your faithfulness, support, prayers, patience, and love---unconditional love!!! Please remember, I AM still "under construction".

Pure As Fresh Fallen Snow

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Pure as the fresh fallen snow. "? Snow---pure?? Have you been outside the last couple days? Have you had to shovel it, drive in it, or been stuck in it or stuck inside because of it? Again I ask you, snow-pure???

Now comes the tracking with me, my mind, & its thought pattern....(remember me warning you about that in my very first blog?)

Yesterday God was speaking to me about this particular subject. He sent me on "reminiscing trip". He wanted me to remember how I truly LOVED His gift of snow. Showing me this was an eye-opener. I don't like cold weather. I didn't like cold weather back when I loved His gift of snow either. He helped me see that what I loved was the true, pure beauty fresh fallen snow provided. "Pure as the fresh fallen snow."

New Webster's Dictionary's definition for pure:
free from all unnecessary matter, esp. from anything that pollutes; free from anything that contaminates; innocent; spotless; chaste; stainless; genuine; unpolluted; mere; sheer; absolute.



While outside with the dogs yesterday morning, I saw and heard God's work. The birds seemed more loud and happy. I hadn't noticed it the day before. They were singing beautiful songs. They were busy feeding around my feeder. They were in all the trees around singing. Most of my neighbors yards still had undisturbed snow (you don't have that with 3 dogs, if you know what I mean).....pure beauty. I knew God had given me His eyes and His ears to experience this pureness. I cherished the moment and didn't want it to end.




Next came thoughts--maybe it was conviction--how pure is my heart? How pure are my motives? How pure are my actions?

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Matthew 5:8

"The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." 1Timothy 1:5

"Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, and do not share in the sins of others. Keep yourself pure." 1Timothy 5:22

"To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure." Titus 1:15
"Who can say, 'I have kept my heart pure, I am clean and without sin'?" Proverbs 20:9

LORD please forgive me, I'm still "under construction". Thank you for allowing me to have your eyes and ears and see your majesty! How GREAT is our God!!!!

God wants to know today if I believe in Him?

Am I "IN" the game or just sitting comfortably in the stands??

Are you "IN" the game our just sitting on the sidelines????

Have you ever found yourself IN "the game" and thought, "Wait one minute! I didn't sign up for this!" Yeah, me too-----more than once! But, is that really the truth or did it just start getting too tough???

Through my walk, I have learned (sometimes the hard way) there is a reason why I'm where I am. I may not know it today or even next year, but GOD KNOWS!! He ALWAYS has a plan, and He DOESN'T make mistakes!

God gives me the size of faith I need to complete the task (the game).

I can't sit on the sidelines. I need to use actions, not words! I need to show the grace God has given me and is continuing to give me. I need to share my story. I need to take personal responsibility for my wrong attitudes, disobedience, stubbornness, pride, behaviors unbecoming.....God sees these as hatred towards Him----as His enemy!! WOW!!! Am I really "IN" the game?? What is God's evaluation of me??

Today I'm praying for humbleness!! Put me in coach......I'm ready to play!!!

What do you see??

When YOU look in the mirror, what do YOU see?









"So God created man in is own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27

That means ME & that means YOU!!



Do you see what God sees????


For years & years & years I struggled with MY image. I didn't even like myself, let alone love myself. After dealing with severe depression, having to be hospitalized, & finding myself in in-patient & out-patient group therapy, I learned I HAD to everyday look in the mirror & tell myself "I love YOU!" even if I didn't mean it. And, I have to tell you, for quite a longggg time, I didn't. What a mountain that was to climb!!

When I look in the mirror, do I like what I see now? On the inside, Yes, most of the time,.......remember, I am still "under construction". On the outside, well, again,.....remember the "1st place for health" program, I'm still "under construction". AND, remember that group of "friends" I talked about that hassle me about doing that P90X workout......they are still trying to kill me..............You gotta love them! They are consistent, they are faithful, they are patient---and, they love ME!!



Know what else, I LOVE ME!!!! Lord, give me your eyes to see what you see........

My Signs

These are the signs I should to be wearing daily!!!!

I'm proud to say, I am ALWAYS "under construction"! I'm praying I will be "under construction" until the day I die. And, I ALWAYS want "men at work" in and through me! On my good days, I just need minor work. But, there are days, even weeks, when I am a major construction zone!! (may a disaster zone would be more like it)

One of my construction zones involves expectations. Expectations involving me and others. I get all caught up in the "flesh of life" and mess up! As I get all caught up in the "let downs", I lose sight. My focus gets blurry. My attitude is wrong! Sometimes, my mouth even says things that after it's out I think, "where did THAT come from?" or "did I REALLY say that?" Thankfully, as I enter my "construction zone", right there in clear view is the "men at work" sign.

"My earnest expectation and hope (is) that....Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death." Phillippians 1:20
"Because Your loving-kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise you." Psalm 63:3
"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" James 4:8

I want you all to witness how God IS working in me. My problem, I'm a long-term, "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" project!!!

"Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ." 1Corinthians 11:1


Thank you for your understanding, love, and patience!!

Today---You Are Here!!

GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!

You have to be living a cave to not know what today is. History in the making! We have a new President of the United States of America, an African-American President of the United States. Honestly, did you ever in your wildest dreams think you would see it in your lifetime?? Just what does this mean to you & me? Do we really have ANY control over the "doings" of our great nation? How about responsibility? I am only one person in Carlinville, Illinois.

As I was thinking about all this, my thoughts were directed in a totally different direction. Imagine that!! Have you ever asked yourself........What in the world am I doing here????
I have found myself saying that particular phrase ALOT this past week.

Like right now....what in the WORLD am I doing here blogging??? Are you kidding me!! I'm completely computer stupid!! This machine scares me to death!! But, I've gotten this far (thanks to my wonderful, loving, SMART husband)... I have started a blog (glob). What could I possibly have to say that ANYone would be interested in reading???? God knows.

Last night I found myself saying for the 2nd time in a week...."What am I doing here?" You see, I'm hanging around with some friends(?) who I think are secretly trying to kill me! I am voluntarily doing an exercise....that's right, that's what I said...exercise class with them. It's called P90X workout.....should be called....watch the "old lady die a slow, miserable death!" Again, God knows, and I must say, He has quite a sense of humor!!!

Again I ask you, "What am I doing here?" No matter what you are "doing here", you are making history!! Are you living a life of significance?

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

LORD, what am I doing here? What is your evaluation of me??

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:10

New Year---Now What???

It's a new year! We've taken down the old calendar & replaced it with the new one. We've celebrated the coming of 2009!....now what??? All the decorations are down, the get-togethers & parties are over, church, work & school are back to "normal", AND we're supposed to DO something right?

I don't know about you, but 2008 was quite a year for me! It started off wonderful. We had started a"Biggest Loser" contest at church. I was doing great. I was committed (maybe I should have been "committed", but that's another blog altogether), dedicated, making great strides. I was feeling good about myself......seeing results!! woo hoo, God is good!

Then came April and my Grandma Lois got sick. She was hospitalized for 3 weeks. I stayed day & night when necessary. My other commitments went by the way-side. (starting to track with me) My days with her on this earth were limited, I knew that. Being with her was where I NEEDED & wanted to be. On April 29th, my Grandma finally got to "go home" (that was her favorite thing to say for the last couple years, "I want to go home"...not that she or we knew what "home" she was talking about). I was BLESSED to have been with her, pleading with her to GO!!, as she took her last breath. God is good!!

After you "shelf" your life for a month, it takes ATLEAST that long to catch-up & get "back in the swing". We fast forward to mid-September. My mom hadn't been feeling quite right. Dr. was treating her for the flu. Then the dreaded phone call. Mom's NOT good. Her blood pressure's 45/17, she's "not totally with us", etc., etc., etc. She was air-lifted to Springfield, the medical personnel not expecting her to make the flight. What was wrong with her? She was in cardiac critical care. She would have "spells" where she would crash...twice her blood pressure was 40/20, and once they had to totally paralyze her just to stabilize her. She spent almost 6 weeks in the hospital....again, being with her was where I NEEDED & wanted to be. God is good!! Commitments again put "on hold".......seeing a pattern here? After she was home, she still needed to be taken to the hospital (this time here in town...God is good!)everyday for a month for antibiotic infusions. Again, trying to play catch-up, but this time, I'm not at the "seeing results" stage......I'm back to before I flipped the calendar.

Ok, I'm into November puttering along with usual activities, commitments, daily living. A few times through out Mom's illness & treatments, I would have to make emergency room visits because Grandpa Myron wasn't "right". Diagnosis, guessed they were mini-strokes. He would never have to spend the night at the hospital & would be back to "normal" sometimes before he returned to nursing home or no more than a week later....God is good!

Ok, now I've started December....Grandpa had a bigger stroke December 1st. The effects were visible. But, with time & therapy he was back to almost "normal". I thanked God again for the MANY blessings & miracles He had allowed me to witness throughout the year. Selfishly I asked Him for a break. I needed time for a total "rejuvenation". My whole being was exhausted. (remember the whole "being committed" comment earlier....I was there)

Then, the morning of December 14th came yet another storm. This time, it involved Mark's side of our family. His dad, and I'm proud to say, my dad too for 27+ years, "went home". I don't think I responded the way people thought I should have. Was I feeling the great loss? Absolutely! Did I wish this wasn't God's plan at this particular time? Yes, YES! But, the overwhelming feeling I was experiencing was complete PEACE! God is good!

Throughout 2008 I witnessed MANY miracles. I also witnessed much suffering to people I loved. Through it all, I thank God!! He is great!! I thank Him for all the storms. He has blesssed me with friends that road the storms out with me. (and they NEVER complained about getting wet either!!!)

Now, back to January 2009......... again my question: New Year---Now What??
We sooooooo look forward to a new year.......we have all these BIG plans: get healthy, lose weight, spend more time with family, get more sleep, read the Bible more, take up a hobby, la da da da da........

It's January 19th???? What have you done???

Did you tell those you love, "I love you" & mean it??? God knows!!
How about yourself, do you love yourself?? God does!!
Did you thank God for your last breath?? How about the next one?? God is good!!
"Why do you not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:14-15.

I'm publicly sharing my new year's plan. My "life changing" overhaul. I'm taking the "first place 4 health" program. I'm committing a full year to this program. I NEED to re-program me!! I've got to put me 1st or I won't be worth anything to anybody I care about. God is great!!

God loves me and He loves you.....I may have to go through the motions of turning my calendar more often than once a month to experience the "WOW" it's time for new beginnings, but it's ok.............I can do that!!!!

Christmas All Packed Away?

Let me start by saying....welcome aboard! I have conveniently been "bogarting" my thoughts & feelings on everyone else's blogs. Thanks to all of you for allowing me to do that. But, through all of my kicking & screaming, fighting & arguing, questioning & doubting, "The Voice" telling me to step out of my comfort zone and start my own blog, has finally won out. Are you surprised? In the end, He ALWAYS wins! With that said, here we go, ready or not!

This particular blog topic has been in my head for sometime and it HAS to come out.....something about peace of mind!!!

We are now into the middle of January. I'm guessing we all have our Christmas packed away until (hopefully) after Thanksgiving. When we do this "packing away", are we also packing away Christ? This thought first occurred to me when I was packing away the small nativity I used with my precious Sunday School class. I first wrapped Joseph, then Mary. Finally came, as my kids would tell you, "our special gift from God". Again I ask, are we packing away Jesus along with the rest of our decorations?

Have you put God in a box? Do you put limitations on Him or yourself? "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him." Psalm 103:12-13....and you want to put Him in a box until next Christmas? Are you kidding me? He is EVERYWHERE! He's a 24/7 God. "I know that my Redeemer lives." Job 19:25. Do you live each day with excitement, anticipation, and exhilaration for our LORD? Are you giving Him your all? It's NEVER too late. Let's get moving! Show everyone everyday how much He means to you! You CAN'T put God in a box, but He can put you in one........

I find myself at times trying to "limit" God in my own life. How? I question His pushing & nudging & stretching me, and sometimes even His loving me. Why? I like, no, I LOVE my comfort zone. What if I fail? What if I look like a fool? What if it's not Him talking to me? Why me??? I can see lots of blog topics from here......we'll see. Faith!!!

Thank you for struggling through this first blog with me. I mentioned you may need a helmet & seat belt to ride along with me, you may also need GPS! I know what my head wants to say, but my fingers don't how to type it.......just know, I love God and I love you!!